What do I really want?

So right. I recently did the unconventional thing of leaving my longtime job of over 5+ years without securing another job. Such an un-Singaporean thing to do that I kid you not, since then every interview I went for and am still going for will ask me "Why did you choose to leave your previous employment without a job?" 

And I kid you not, I am ALWAYS tempted to say "Er why cannot?". Lol. Cos that is the question I asked myself too! Internally I'm like - 

"Mindy what is your rush in jumping into the next job?"

"Are you tired? Are you dejected? Yes right?"

"Then why cannot rest?"

"Are you in need of money? No right?"

"Aiyo why you care so much about what other people think."

"So what are you looking for? In a job, a career, in life - since you have already tasted worklife and know much time work takes up."

"What do you really want, Mindy?"

Well, at first I wanted freedom.

Life and work at D took such a big emotional and mental toll on me that I didn't even realise how steep in dark thoughts I was in. Constantly in. So much politics and hidden agendas to deal with in the team. 💆‍♀️We are colleagues but we hide information from each other, spread rumours and practice discrimination against each other after hearing the rumours, blatantly disrespect each other in tone and mannerisms, suck up to the boss with false stories and rumours just to elevate oneself. OMG.

Everyday I go to work feeling like I'm going to war, or as though I'm part of the Infernal Affairs movie.

You'll never know what 💩 you'll have to clean up that day, never know if a smile or kindness received from someone is true. And if you're the only one going in without agendas / defences / attack strategies, you're walking in on a limp. Walao head heavy just thinking about it. 💆‍♀️

Then I realised that I became consistently sad. I wake up without hope for good things to come cos I have to prep myself to be Tony Leung in Infernal Affairs entering enemy territory. Where got time to be happy when you needa watch your 🍑.

Then I hit a deeper realisation - what am I doing? Seriously why am I wasting my time here.

At first I stayed and persevered cos I didn't want to quit so easily. After all, how can it be that people don't like me and would want to harm me? How can anyone not like me? 

HAHHAHAH WHAT NAIVETY MINDY. 🙄

If people can hate Jesus they can most definitely hate you too.

So I got my eyes opened and my spirit humbled. And I learnt that it is TRULY by God's grace that I have everything I have. Not my good personality, not my cute looks, not even my honourable spirit if any - favour truly comes from God.

I mean the good thing is that I'm a child of God so technically nothing can knock me down. Either I win or I learn for my God makes all things work out for my good. Still, it sux to go through toxic situations.

Anyway, I decided that this emo turmoil was no longer worth it. I've learnt all that I could and tried to change things as much as I could. Plus, I'm not me anymore. No more the happy, joyful Mindy that I always was. Enough of this.

So yes, I wanted freedom. And maybe just to rest my beaten down mind/spirit.

Then, I realised I wanted purpose. 

Yeah sure it was fun marketing luxury products. Meet different kinda people, go for different events. But fun satisfied me so superficially. And I don't buy into the luxury / extravagant lifestyle kind of thing. 

I needed to believe in the product I was marketing, I needed to align my values to the organisation I was in, and make some difference to society / lives with what I’m doing. And then, I needed to have fun too. 😙

Then after the first 2-3 months of exploring different industries and opportunities, I realised the most important thing that I ACTUALLY needed was to learn how to have peace. Oh gosh how can I only realise my need for this after so many months. 🤦‍♀️

You know the quiet confidence you have in your heart even when things don't go your way; the calm peace that you carry internally, though you should be fretting out cos you are falling behind? Yeah I needed to have that.

Instead of getting used to being anxious, I could get used to having peace. 

So that's what I'm doing now. Taking my time to discover what and where I want to invest my time in.

My heart is also at a better place. No longer anxious or frantic about my timeline for life. The resounding question I've been having is "Do you really believe God is in control?" Now, my yes to this question is more resolute.

Wah ok, actually I'm now tired from typing all these haha. So cathartic to release your thoughts but now I'm done. 

Should I put in a funny memeee

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HAHA ok lah now I know what I want.